It was late at night one evening, warm outside after a perfect summer day, the boys weren't asleep yet and Anthony wasn't home. I hadn't showered all day and my hair was a mess - actually more like a frizzy disaster in desperate need of attention. The clothes I was wearing, the ones I had been in all day, had food stains and slobber marks and I probably looked terrible. These are the realities of motherhood.
I'll distinctly remember this night because, as I was laying on the floor with my boys, I had one super heart-exploding moment. Lenny was goo-ing and gah-ing as he does and Max climbing all over me - I hadn't worried about the house and decided to just give in and play with boys. As I was laying there laughing, I realised this isn't at all the life I dreamed about but it's better than I could have ever imagined.
I've said it before on this blog and I'll say it again - I never dreamed about being a mum. I never thought about this stuff, was very rarely clucky and now I think I could have five kids (husband and mother if you're reading this, don't worry - I won't).
Being a parent wasn't built up in my mind at all, I had things to achieve and places to go, yet here I am living this incredible journey as a stay-at-home mum (for the meantime) with a heart full of gratitude and I have more joy in my life than I could have ever hoped for.
I said to someone the other day that I think non-maternal women make great mothers because they never anticipate motherhood being this rewarding. It's not that I thought I wouldn't enjoy it, I had no expectations - I literally never thought about it.
Growing up, the life I dreamed for myself was somewhat different. I would always be dressed well, my hair would be great and I would be earning spades of money doing something super important. I've lived that life to some extent and I'll probably live it again one day but I've learnt the importance of my time laying on the floor soaking up these messy days with my boys.
I spend 80% of my day on the floor. Is this just me? I feel like if you're a mother of small children you are always on the floor. But I digress.
Motherhood has given me something to smile about every day. Even the moments, days, weeks that are so hard and you are tired and very much losing patience, you find Grace and joy that push you to keep going.
Just a few weeks before Christmas, Lennox ended up in hospital again. I was doing Christmas shopping alone when he had a seizure in the Baby Bjorn strapped to me at the checkout. I was outside of Big W, had laid my baby on the floor waiting for the ambulance to arrive. It threw my world in to a spin all over again. Thank God he came out of it ok but I honestly wondered how I would get through it.
While laying in the hospital bed, in the middle of the night I woke up to his familiar, lively chatter. He's a talker and very vocal. A few nurses had come in wondering what the noise was and when I woke up, they were all standing around his cot smiling and remarked what a happy, chatty boy he was despite what he gone through just earlier that day. It graced me to get through that period more than I could ever understand. You can be having the hardest day, yet a smile in in the midst of it all somehow makes it easier to get through.
Sure I have big resolutions, dreams and goals and a lot of them don't even involve my kids but for me at this time in my life, I'm trying to stay present and enjoy the season I'm in. I'm living a great life, one I had never dreamed about and one I never knew I wanted until now.