I probably suspected this a while ago but I definitely know now.
I love motherhood. Adore it. I love the gift of raising my boys but I couldn’t do JUST that.
It’s taken me 3 years of mothering to realise that it’s ok for me to feel this way and I shouldn’t let the guilt of it destroy me.
To those of you tsk-tsking me, please let me explain. If you’re a stay-at-home mum and love it, I envy you deeply. I wished so hard to want to do this full time with no other distractions but it’s just not for me.
The joy and privilege of raising kids is more than I could ever ask for. I honestly love it so much. But I need more in my life than just being at home with them. And, I feel like I need to admit that for my own sanity.
I have sat and listened to women who talk about loving being ‘just a mother’ and it has slowly been eating away at me that I don’t feel that way too.
I know as a mother, I’m moulding young minds and contributing to something so incredibly valuable but that’s half the reason I want to do more too.
I have big dreams. Dreams, that, for the life of me, I can’t ignore anymore. And if there’s one thing that I’ve realised, it’s that a happy mum is more important.
A happy mum is always more important, more available and has so much more to give.
I have spent so much time crying to my husband that I don’t feel fulfilled but those tears were only because of the heart-wrenching guilt I felt that motherhood didn’t fulfil me like it did other people.
It probably has a lot to do with my personality. I’ve always had big dreams and intense drive so I’ve learnt now that it would be far more valuable for my boys to see me going after what I love, rather than me sitting at home dreaming about it.
It also has a lot to do with the call of God too. The call of God which weighs heavy on my heart every day. The call of God which rings louder than anything else in my life. His purpose, His plan and His future are far bigger than what I could imagine and I couldn’t stay still knowing that walking God’s path is far greater. It moves me, propels me and drives my life.
I read this quote by Christine Caine which has never left me:
“When I married this man 20 years, we promised each other that we would spend our lives loving each other AND staying focused on Jesus and His call upon our lives. We did not throw away the call when we got married and had children. We did not choose to focus on our own nuclear family and exclude the rest of humanity. We did not choose to settle in to some domesticated, sanitised, safe, comfortable, convenient religious observation. We did not choose to use marriage and family as an excuse to not do what we were called to do. Instead, we chose to continue to embrace the faith adventure DAILY. It is not always easy, it is not always safe, it is not always comfortable, it is not always convenient but obedience was never meant to be all of those things. Jesus did not come to make us safe, he came to make us dangerous to the kingdom of darkness.’
That’s what I want for my life.
I’m something other than a mother and that’s ok.
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Wow, this one is going to be long…
Growing up, I never really understood the value of a bunch of flowers. I always saw them as a fleeting gift. However, one year when I was about 20, I found myself running through suburbia picking flowers (illegally… eek!) to create a bouquet for my mother on Mother’s Day.
Fast forward a few years and I very sadly and suddenly lost my mother. While my whole world was upside down and, I was helping my father plan a funeral, I told him that I wanted to be the one to do the flowers, as a final gift to my mother. Even though it was a difficult time, handling and arranging flowers became my coping mechanism in those few days. I’m getting teary while talking about this.. oh goodness.
Looking back, God’s hand was obviously all over it. The window of opportunity was just a few minutes, it was free AND it was a creative outlet for me in the first year of losing my mum. It was the most amazing 12 weeks of learning and challenging myself.
Firstly, I love working with natives, so if you don’t like them, you probably should hire someone else... just kidding… but seriously.
Brushwood evolved in a two-week school holiday break when I had way too much time on my hands. At that time I was only a casual teacher and I didn’t get holiday pay. I’ve always been resourceful, and have made money in weird and wonderful ways E.G. washing cars in the neighbourhood with my brother, buying clothes from op shops and selling them online, singing at weddings etc. But Brushwood was going to be lit and legit.
Absolutely! I have orders that I am currently turning down because I am so busy with teaching. I have a crazy work ethic, so I think I will struggle when I need to drop one career and pick up the other full time…or who knows, I might just live in constant limbo until I die. But seriously, I would love to do it full time, I would just need to be very wise about the when and why. It’s a scary thought, but one that really excites me. I love flirting with the idea of having an awesome shop front with greenery spilling out onto the sidewalk.
You're also a teacher, what drew you to first get in to teaching?
I am a teacher…but what drew me to studying it can be described as playing life by ear. It was a guessing as I go situation, which doesn’t sound too romantic, but teaching is an awesome career. I never really grew up knowing what I wanted to do. During my undergraduate degree, I was drawn to sociology I loved learning about people and why we are the way we are, but I also picked up a few English classes. When that degree finished, I always thought that eventually I might do teaching. So sooner rather than later I did my Diploma of Education, a few pracs and a year later I was a qualified High School English and Society and Culture teacher. It is challenging but I enjoy the environment, and connecting and encouraging young people.
Do you think the two careers could mesh together somehow?
That would be awesome. Young people can be frustrating, but I think it would be a great program to run for people struggling with their mental health. It would be interesting to see if it can make a difference for them.
Brushwood is currently involved in a cool project coming to Campbelltown in South West Sydney. It will be an awesome collaborative creative space under the direction of Gemma from Eclectic Nest, and will include a maker’s market and workshop, a dance/yoga studio, fresh flowers, and a café. I’m hoping to operate from there on a part time basis. My teaching is contract to contract, so that’s always changing.
Get natives, they last longer! Change the vase water and cut the stems every day on your flowers.
Also, plants have been scientifically proven to do amazing things including lighten your mood, increase productivity and concentration and reduce stress and they’re pretty, so add greenery to your house, desk and workspace!
Then there are the stormy days. The days when your head is just barely above the water, it’s cold and windy and you can barely stay afloat.
These are the varied days of motherhood and I’ve experienced them in equal parts and in all their glory.
There are days when your strokes are long and beautiful and you’re in great form and then there are those tough days where doggy paddle will just have to do.
Days when your beach hair is on point and others when you literally look like you’ve been dumped on the shore by a wave.
Don’t be discouraged though, even the strongest swimmers will struggle in a rip.
The thing about motherhood, is you just have to keep swimming, the tough days and the sunny ones because the most beautiful part about it is, the person you’re teaching how to swim will make each day worth it.
]]>Before I had Max, I never thought I had the 'mum gene'. You know, the gene I’m talking about, right? The one that makes you clucky when you see little babies, the gene that would have you dream about being pregnant and the day you’ll have your own little cherub.
If I’m being completely honest, I worried that I would never have those feelings because I was sure I somehow missed that gene.
Pregnancy happened like a whirlwind, I blinked and I was looking down at a belly. I’m grateful for that because if it didn’t happen that way who knows how long I would’ve waited to start procreating?
Pregnancy was pretty smooth sailing for me, no massive dramas (apart from a heinous bout of acne) but I’d see the little heartbeat on the screen and I still did not connect a little human with my growing belly.
Even the day before I was to be induced that so called ‘gene’ still did not kick in and I didn’t feel motherly in the slightest.
Would I really experience this ‘love’ they talked about?
Would I know how to take care of a baby?
I had never even changed a nappy before. Should I have practiced?
I should’ve booked the pre-natal classes.
I should’ve spent more time bonding with the bump.
I was dizzy.
Max was born via emergency c-section on a Tuesday night at 11pm. Another whirlwind.
After he was born, I had one little shakey cuddle and he was taken away and my husband went with him.
I found myself lying in recovery alone without my boy and my heart was aching. I needed him back, I needed to know how he was, I needed to hold him, protect him, feed him, spend time getting to know his gorgeous features and kiss his beautiful swollen face.
My heart ached.
There it was. There was that love. It was instant and it hit me hard. Turns out that was the plan all along and I didn’t know. It was truly instinctive and I’m so thankful for that.
You don’t need any special gene, you’ll find that when you need it. You just need love, nothing more, nothing less and the rest will take care of itself.
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I was hesitant to start having kids. I know there’s no right time and you can never be fully prepared but I was still hesitant. I wasn’t sure I was prepared to give myself up just yet. I thought that’s what happened. It sounds so horrible but I thought you throw your hair in a ponytail and become a robot who does nothing for herself and gets lost in housework (I’m not going to lie, some days are like that). Not that I had seen it in my own life. My mum was amazing and always worked. She did it all yet us kids still felt like we were the only people in her world. I couldn’t do that though, I wasn’t capable. I was probably a little insecure.
Maybe it’s selfish to want your own dreams fulfilled first but I thought it would be more selfish to have a child if I wasn’t ready to let go of a few things first.
When I laid that aside and fell pregnant (fast), I still worried. I am a big dreamer and I have a long list of things I want to achieve. I’ve always had a career and outside of that I’ve had way too many other interests and passions plus I am ALWAYS busy.
Would that all stop?
Would it be put on hold?
Would I lose myself by becoming a mum?
I loved dressing up and letting who I was shine. I still wanted to get more tattoos and dip-dye my hair blue. Would that look ridiculous if I was a mum?
I still wanted to change my career a few more times and help other people. I still wanted to achieve that long list of goals.
Then I had Max and fell in desparate love like never before. Suddenly none of it really mattered. Being a mum didn’t define who I was, it enriched who I was. I didn’t lose myself, I found new things in me. I found a new kind of strength, new love and a new kind of adrenalin-fueled determination to go out and achieve it all.
I started studying, I went back to work and I started dreaming ten-fold.
There are days where I don’t get out of my pjs and my hair needs a wash. I used to think motherhood doesn’t go beyond those days (maybe that’s how the world paints it) but it does. Don’t feel confined by motherhood, be empowered by it.
I want to go out and do everything I’ve set in my heart to do because I want my boy to remember me as a woman who loved him with all her heart but loved who she was too.
Losing who I am as an individual would be detrimental to my health as a mother and that’s why I don’t let motherhood define me.
If you had a strong sense of identity before motherhood then you’ll come out on the other side even better off. Don’t be afraid of it. I’m a new woman as a mother and I have to say, I kind of like it.
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